beer tears

liquid gold is tumbling down
changing nothing it surrounds
it taints already tainted parts
but it feels as good as fucking you
it makes me feel like touching you
when all my body feels is pain
a string of lights surrounds me
but my eyes remain
on the ground

i never said this isn't me
sadness blooms from my being
i try to make the garden full
so the weed won't penetrate me
but it keeps on generating
so hold me tight now, baby
'cos i keep looking to the past
the lists of plans i made in oakland
the promises i made to him
keep making them to each new man
it's finally time to burn those plans

for now, i'll keep swimming
wading through the grainy colors
tomorrow you'll be just another

another winter

this seat warms my back my ass my legs
and i don't feel a thing that's out of place
the miles and miles of street lights we follow
they don't bother me tonight
i'm bathing in that bright orange light

it's so soft and colorful and deep in my chest
it's the chilly lace that appears as your breath
it's the ribbon that links two bodies together
thickening as you wait for the culmination
the most bittersweet frustration

it's a waiting game now
i'm checking my cell phone
to look for the time
'cos he just called me his own

he's in the car now and he feels up her tits
god knows if he's picturing some other chick
i don't think she cares
'cos those hands feel so good
and the air gets hotter
and her eyes look so green
he won't see the beauty
he's going so quick

so glad we didn't let that bomb hit the ground
what begins in chaos ends in chaos
everything is now draped so anxiously good
but whatever, who cares
we'll bring it all down

waste

i went around too far to come back
and i knew what was coming to me
it still hits as hard as a heart attack
it hurts so much to be free

all i want to do is drink this shit away
with the black label stuck on my chest
but the sky still looks so gray today
because that boy was the best

so down another one and we'll toast to the past
deep down we knew that nothing would last

mnye nuzhna ona

pupils backed by green and brown
sliding sliding all the way down
and i can't retreat to where i can't be found

my focus remained upon those hips
pink lips covered by fingertips
there is a burning in my core
telling me to ask for more

now she's in the back room making out
with some dumb kid that she's all about
though i just met her i feel so sad
'cos i know she's all i never had

just wanna go down on that smooth soft skin
but i can't tell her, i can't begin
can't stand the idea of her scorn
she was not born as i was born

so i'll go and make love to my man
and pretend i feel those pretty hands

jesse is sleeping 2

your mouth hanging open
as you sleep on past noon
your arms at your legs
like you're curled in the womb
your back is turned to me
shoulder blades on my face
i wonder if you feel the kisses i place
on your spine
on your muscles
while you slumber sandmen's grace
my eyelids are heavy
and my mouth can't yet move
but i'll always find a way to say
i love you

a-ok

what is best for you
may not be best for me
it's taken 19 falls for me to see

the ego is a fickle thing
forces you to abide
but i promise you there is another side

because
what is best for me
might not work for you
and what is best for you
is not for me
what can learn to be
i swear that in time you will see
what is best for you
is not for me

i know a girl who sniffed
or shot something inside her everyday
but she told me hey, i'm a-ok
i know a boy who worked his ass off
saving for a later date
that might not come, but hey, he's a-ok

so i don't question what they do
or find hell to put them through
why should everyone go the same way?

because
what is best for me
might not work for you
and what is best for you
is not for me
what can learn to be
i swear that in time you will see
what is best for you
is not for me

the overindulgence of drugs and true love

when those scarred arms wrap around mine
it feels like that hit i got the first time
it feels like home
like i'm never alone
maybe that's why i never want to leave
why every time we part i just want to grieve
i copy and paste my thoughts unto you
and you make me feel like they are worthy and true
you make me feel like i could cry like the rain
'cos i can't stand to go home again and again
when those scarred arms hold me, i don't want the drugs
i don't want the needle
i just want your love
when you look into my face you are all that i feel
and sometimes i just can't believe this is real
'cos when i am bored i can just talk to you
we talk and we talk until we turn blue
though sometimes i feel like i'll just turn away
and instead meet the white lady
like i did yesterday
so i'll hop on my bike
i'll ride into town
and look at the trees as i'm drifting around
and sob into my hands
'cos i don't know what to do
when i'm missing the drugs
but turn to you

allegheny monogahela ohio

everything is beautiful
everything is safe
your thoughts will never hurt you
your mind will never break

flowers and marble patios
to smoke cigarettes on
and a vase filled with reisling wine
to drink when i am gone

it never rains here
but the grass does flow
don't you worry how
you'll never know

don't think about this
it just brings pain
don't think one single thought again

'cos everything is beautiful
everything is safe
your thoughts won't hurt you anymore
your mind will never break

but if you find you tire of
this happiness you find
turn the sun dial to the three rivers
dig your grave into the ground

earth

it keeps me grounded
like your god
in the bitter earth
in the passing fog
that i see from the top deck
with the rising morning sun
that reaffirms everything
we thought we had won

tressa weis

There was one day when I looked in the mirror
Saw everything I wanted to see
But now that image continually get clearer
Faded greys, and oranges, and pinks
And I realize what I saw was distorted
By the self-medication I once knew
I see what lies in the "true me" and
I don't know how to get through

I'm so confused
Don't know what to do
Rely on you
I wish I knew...

looking past all that

that mysterious girl with the funny expression looks away from you
down into her lap, where she plays a hand rolled cigarette like a flute
you didn't know those half smile lips would end up sticking like glue
that you'd feel the pale soft skin of her chest and her breath move

nothing is what you expect
it just feels like the best
and she feels it too, ya know
but she doesn't know what to do

there's a crack under the hair she dyed to emulate mimsy and edie and mia
says that she tells you everything under there, but the truth is you have no idea
you see the hands tick and the cogs beneath turning in the hidden galleria
it makes you feel guilty but it turns you on, the little girl lost, your Cytherea

nothing is what you expect
it just feels like the best
but you better watch out, ya know
'cos she just doesn't know what to do

so just keep rolling on
what other choice do you have?
so just keep rolling on
until things get too bad

so just keep rolling on
the only choice you want to have
so just keep rolling on
right now things aren't too bad

there's an outline of a problem in the imprint her frame leaves on your bed
but all you can view is the lines that come from her smiles and the dimple instead
and the feeling that rises like the steam from her coffee maker when you open the lid
all the plans and the trips you imagine for you and her in the time still ahead

nothing is what you expect
it just feels like the best
but you better watch out, ya know
'cos she just doesn't know what to do

so just keep rolling on

4:21

sometimes i feel
yeah, i feel so alone
i feel so alone
i just wanna go home
but i know what is there
what is waiting for me
waiting for nothing
and that nothing's not free
so i'll dance in the shadows
shadows of my head
waiting to take me
to make me dead
so i'll turn away
i'll turn away from you
and i'll say hey
what you doin' there babe?
what you doin' to me?
there is nothing that's free
and that nothing is me
but i'm tired of being
i'm tired of me
what will be will be
no longer four twenty

jesse

jesse is sleeping
sighing aloud
i wonder what he dreams about
cos when he opens those blue eyes
he dilates
he petrifies
all of the unhealed within me
but does love truly set one free?
an illusion
some call it
a mask from the pain
an umbrella in the acid rain
and who knows what lies deep inside
one thousand smiles
one thousand lies
or could i get what i need from you?
shiva, tell me this is true
until then
in this bed, we'll lay
until the lake on fire comes our way

me and you

rays throughout the clouds
bring blue to a light hue
this city is so fucking large
swallowing me and you

the ducks paddle their orangish toes
into the teal blue
the water is so calm this morning
swallowing me and you

and i pass a hand rolled cigarette
to the fisher and his crew
he ignores our excited hellos
that swallow me and you

a doubledecker that allowed no sleep
it took us pretty far
will we find what we're looking for?
hold the empty in a jar

this sunrise cracks my skull open
injects a better brue
embalm us, throw us in this lake
swallowing me and you

farmer's market

stars are green
they hang from trees
though a chill runs
through the windy city

i hear the banjo strum
and a grin it strums
high voices and high hearts
colorful things in stranger's arms
that grow from the ground

there's no alarm

sweet tastes
fresh air
my eyes are aglow
and we lay on the earth

where no one else knows

and i hope you can see
deep within me
dive beneath the waves
of brown and green

beneath the lashes
beneath the sting
the sun really does shine
with these stains on pants gray

i just want to say
i just want to say

bus ride out of town

but my hands are shaking now
dropping the coins on the counter top
a smile at a stranger
an apathetic anger
because who knows yourself?
you know there's no one else

but your family
but your friends
and the guilt never ends

so let's run away again
and again
and again
and again

steven

you're so small
but your mind is so big
your mind is so big
you can't handle it

when you turn someone away from you
you do it for yourself
you don't deserve a thing, do you?
you and nobody else

all you have is pretty songs
and those that sing along
the quiet strum of your guitar
quells the inner wrong

but now the set list's crumpled up
a reminder of the past
replaced by a scribbled "god forgive me"
when you couldn't forgive yourself

we sit and cry and think of you
and i hope you know
death leads you to nowhere
but where else is there to go?

kitchen nightmares

do you remember the day we made the earth shake?
sprinkler vision that made us feel great
magical white fades into a blur
the cats eyed us suspiciously with a soft purr
so we walked down to the river, the sky a soft pink
my hand was in yours though it's not what you think
you and those crystals are just a distraction
a defensive reaction
now let's toast with a drink
pour me some captain
i'm tired of thinking about all that has happened...

it is what it is

it is what it is
his eyes are wide
true feelings wrapped like candy
in disguise
charcoal cracks hot
burns under my fingers
but physical pain
ain't the kind that lingers
ignore and hit the pipe
after our fuck
skin that's soft
touching skin that tough
your crooked smile
teaches the letters OK
but at dawn you'll get up
drive that old car away

giving up, giving in

got a bottle of sugar at my side
down the urban watering hole
i take a spoon and sift it out
brain talk finally seems to slow

red pigment on my fingertips
neck bent to see the prose
lines deepen in between the brow
when the sun lifts up my eyes

but not when i got you, sugar
when it's good it's only smiles
all the rain you bring down
goes to the back of the file

longing and nonsense when i turn to you
the bones in my wrist are corroding now
the poet confesses to the poet
couldn't figure out what you were about

secret tongue

a mushroom cloud forms from her lips
filigree from her fingertips
a smile with everything to hide
a past of questions
and of whys

but you know she's never there
feeling the empty burning stare
hold her down and fill her up
all she's good for is a fuck

but the dirty words that escape her mouth
aren't really what she wants to shout
"fuck me," as her face turns blue
but she really meant, "fuck you"

stay

stay put
says the whisper in my ear
there's nothing here for you to fear
but your own fears
your own lies
your own face
your alibies
your friends
your mouth
the sex you give

now go on!
go on and live!

estelle

there are no rivers here
no bridges long or tall
no shelter to find in the rain
when you nod and fall

sun and win intoxication
makes her cheeks turn red

she rides the horse along the shore
of that filthy lake
will you make the promise too?
of the beauty of the fake

her stallion takes it all away
they want to understand
and so she hides her scars away
deep beneath the land

back bruises

pull yourself together
cos you're falling apart
emerging on the inside
cos the outside is getting dark

touching touching touching
like a babe without a care
my skin crawls with your acid
when we lie together bare

your lips are lined with parentheses
i trace with my scarred hands
baby, won't you stay with me
as we melt into the sand

what the fuck was this about,

i taste it as it inches down my throat
but it's just so hard to cope
it chains me
holds me to the past

again
i knew the warmth wouldn't last

boys

soft white flesh
rips me to pieces
angles entangled
sweat in the creases

and you pass
from mouth to mouth
stifled cries can't get out

press it in you
pull it out
grinding metal
sparks
a spout

the man always thinks he wins
but her heart is empty with a grin

cotton shooter

licking your plate dry
picking up pennies on the street
reusing dryer sheets for weeks
potato chip crumbs from the bottom of the bag

embarrassing
but filled with smiles

the dropper

be my professional decision maker
turn this life around
pick the point where i should turn
run it into the ground

i cry all the time
in every way
but your cries make me ill

same fucking thing
day after day
wake up
light up
walk away

please decide which piece is next
which filthy, sandaled step
or choose the wild card deposit
your depraved throbbing bail

cravings
never stop
red ink
always clots

ending

a purse of her lips with a raspberry tinge
and a galaxy of pores stretch over skin
dirt and grime are wiped away
but the feeling is there to stay

crumbling smiles at his pain
the muscles pull at one corner
a man's tears can warm her
or so he thinks

it's just a reaction
a defense mechanism

pills

psychology is my religion
with narcissistic pain
with endless repetition
digging back to the beginning

a rosary of SSRIs
a hopeful prayer of lies

it's legal meditation
such a change for me
in a medicated nation
dying to be free

my holy father comes
his blinding light has won

white weekend warrior

it's a cold night in january
what a negative number at 13 degrees
a numb pinky toe, a bruised knee
all that matters to me

a hollow knock on a metal door
an invite to come in for more
we head upstairs, up the salty floor boards
to our substance, our whore

and she gives me green for brown
sharp presents present themselves
voices downstairs are too damn suspicious
40ccs and some of that stuff
break it down

only on the weekends, oh
only on the weekends, oh
life is bad enough as it is
i don't want to lower the bar
but it's staring at me and my filthy arm
only on the weekends

god i wish i had a joint now
inhale the sweet smoke down
but all i can feel, all i can do...
open my eyes and apologize

the lonely atheist

I don't believe in Jesus
I don't have a god
I don't pray to no one
It's all a fucking fraud

So I went looking for gold in the ghetto
But I found a white lady instead
She showed me meaning
She showed me faith
And then left me for dead

I turned around on the main drag
She tried to follow me down
She better never find me
And smile that quinine frown

It's okay now

But I still don't believe in Jesus
I still don't have a god
I will pray to no one
Your foundation is a fraud

And for that I must applaud
It's a lonely world with no god

non-prose from the psych ward

I was recently in Western Psych for four days. I had a lot of free time to think. Once I started feeling better, I got a great burst of creativity. Here's eight for you.

"WPIC"

a sterile smell
where beauty lies
and everything she does despise
a three armed gown
one shade of blue
they all know what she's going through

the empty feeling seems to die
she don't know why
she don't know why

gray haired addict
handicapped braids
orange light splaying through the shades
smooth dark skin
a breathing tube
we all slowly get the groove

this is it
no more getting high
to make the empty feeling die

she don't know why
she don't know why

but it's a good thing



"The Mark"

there's a mark
pink and raised
delicate
little girl's lace

there's a mark
i put in place
over bone
i'm coming home

but where is home?
i'd like to know
is it the place
my void did grow?

there's a mark
it's getting dark
i hear the hum

oblivion


"A Good Burn" or "Getting Better"

white noise of the song machine
transmissions in my sad head
there's a light cracking through

some brain dead freak
uncomfortable chairs

that light peeking through is you

my head still aches
it's getting better everyday
sometimes i get scared of progress
what can i blame my failure on today!

sick of technology
running between my ears
it pierces and distorts the truth
electro convulsions are the beer
it's a psycho proof

then the break through starts to come
it's gonna be okay
sometime i'll learn my way

until then sickly smoke will rise
and burn into my mind



"Triazdam"

there's a fire in my heart
there's a fire in my mind
there's a fire in my calves

waiting for the dose
waiting for the dose

there's some crazy pacing 'round
but it doesn't make a sound
and i'm ready to head on down

waiting for the dose
waiting for the dose

my apathy meets the empathy
on the pale translucent skin
my eyes minuscule dots
the color of mossy rocks

the milky white remains
stopped turning this girl on
but that feeling's coming on
damn it's strong

there's a fire in my heart
there's a fire in my mind
there's a fire in my smile

waiting for the dose



More soon.

avoid and distract

She puts a spin on apathy
It's a quiet walk away
A permanent brand of empathy
Black ink on pale clay

Avoid and distract, because there's no turning back
Empty black circles dilate and contract
Brown it then turns to green
I'm tired of trying to find what it means

empty head

Your hands on my body burn in a bad way
Can't stand the feeling anymore
Today is gonna be the day
It resonates in his core

I can't believe in myself
I can't look into the mirror
I can't feel anymore
So how am I supposed to feel for you?
Even if I wanted to

I just want you to go away
You have no idea of the words I say
"Emily, why are you so sad?"
You ask me everyday

I can't put the past away

okay

Check the park for a man
Before you hit the floor
The old junkies under the bridge
Don't speak much anymore

And the world changed
Right before our eyes
Their size, oh their size

Swimming through a sea of garbage
She said
Trash seems to follow us everywhere
But we don't care
We don't care

Sometimes I just can't go on
Dear, I want to die
Write the main line down her arm
And send it down her spine

Swimming through a sea of garbage
She said
Trash seems to follow us everywhere
But we don't care
We don't care

turn your life around

You spoke, "I'm not going back,"
But I'm pretty sure that's no fact, no
My phone keeps buzzing on

Would you give it up for me?
You spoke, "I surely think so,"
I'm pretty sure that's no fact, no
No where to go

Special kid showed her how
To turn her life around
He's a handful
But he's hers

He was hers
Where to go now...

glassine dream

your violence when you take me by the hand
it didn't go the way we planned

a beige suit and dinner
but the cooker is cocky
a metal disc jockey
my glassine dream
floating down a cotton stream

all i hear is just the background
to make everything disappear
but you made it all clear
you made it all clear

damned is our feast on this night

your violence when you take me by the hand
it didn't go the way we planned

man

It just feels so wrong
And I know it's wrong
You make me want to throw up
But I can't love you enough

heavy

No one knows what I want
No one knows what I want
I don't know what I want
But I know I need to make this thing real
I don't know what I want
Can't move these weighted arms
Learn how to make myself not feel

-->

Constantly evolving
Constantly in motion
Backwards rainbow xylophone
Repeals the notion

I'm just dipping in the pool
It terrifies me because it's true

Slow down going around this turn, man I
Know lots of kids that lost their life at this bend
He said, "Turn the music up.
I don't give a fuck."

Honey I love you

carry on machine

it spreads down my body
a snake in the grass
poisonous, deadly
hello, miss holly
i asked her, please
don't snake any of my dvds

she had a pretty smile
once in a while
but today
nothing but gray

we let it spread down our bodies
a snake in the grass
that makes me smile smile smile

she's a midnight queen a
carry on machine
she raised herself
there's nothing but herself

she's a midnight queen with a
black balloon and a bean
she turns them into her dreams
if you know what i mean

she had a pretty smile
once in a while
but today
she said hey

x

where does this overwhelming sadness come from?

one thing after the other

sometimes i fall up the stairs
no one home, no one to care
roommates laugh when they are there
one thing after the other

cook a shot then take a nap
feel productive, do some crap
slice your hand and break a glass
one thing after the other

smoke a bowl before bed
wake up with an empty head
it's not trees making them eyes red
one thing after the other

it's one thing after the other

got no job, i got no life
have a busband but want a wife
hey man, i'll be alright
one thing after the other

it's one thing after the other

lonely, not alone

cars blare their horns
coming up from behind
a one way both ways
with constant traffic
a left at semple, off of bates
you'll soon be mine

pinstriped polyester slides down hips
bone, letters, ink appear
legs still carry when they're empty
until i fade into concrete

this room does not belong to me
i'm not meant to be here
create a new reality
create and disappear

girls and girls and girls and boys
medication, hipster's noise
eliminating your past pain
to guarantee some future

light coming out of the closet
when i'm trying to sleep
scent creeping under a cracked door
does that smell reek through the floor?

bare in bed, thoughts in my head

i keep on falling like water
through leaves and filth of the gutter
oh, this old mind
filled to the brim with ancient clutter
and i can't seem to make it go away
unless i fade into the black

syr

I feel tense around you, but
Don't feel bad cos I'm always that way
Can't do shit without a bowl in hand
Or some metal in my arm

I can't do shit on my own
It's pretty sad, but I swear I'm getting better
Clothes are filthy and bills go unpaid
I'm my own scarlet letter

It's damn cold in January
In the north east
Can't seem to bundle up enough
Trying to score down in the cut
Why bother, why bother

I'm done beating myself down
Time to catch a ride back to town

Fingertips are violets
That spring out of my mits
Where the fuck is the 67 now?
Even my bus can't commit

I would kill for a hit
I would kill for a hit
Acquit
Acquit
Acquit

Bangin

She was a lone star junkie girl
Sorta like in Good to Go
Fucking gorgeous junkie girl
She won't leave me alone

I stared at the filthy tile floor
Stomach stuffed with butterflies
They can't get out

How you gonna turn me around now, honey?
What kind of fixing is this gonna do
Think of all the time you spent wasting
Waiting for the guy in blue
What the hell is it gonna do for you?

He was a keystone junkie boy
Growing older all the time
Soft spoken keystone junkie boy
Who can't learn where to draw the line

I feel a rush coming over me
It's running through my veins
I won't stop now, I won't stop now

Her favorite book was Junky
Boy and girl from Westlake O
Smoking openly by downtown
Where did the time go?

How you gonna turn me around now, honey?
What kind of fixing is this gonna do
Think of all the time you spent wasting
Waiting for the guy in blue
What the hell is it gonna do for you?

I'm through, I'm through

black hair, black shirt
old tattered jeans
wide hips in nines
though you'd never know


thick skin on her arms
dark hair on the back
she picks up her weapon
begins her attack

eyes so unnatural
icepicks dipped in blue
but the blade can't hide her
not from me
not from you